One of the weird things about getting to my age and having been a digital pack rat before such things were common, is that I occasionally find things I wrote in the distant past that I have almost no memory of.
To wit, at the start of ninth grade (Sept. 1990), I started writing a play, some sort of vaguely Walter Mitty-ish thing about a self-insert main character with an invisible friend. I definitely reused a lot of character names in later things, and it would not surprise me if this was the first appearance of several of them.
Here’s a sample above the break.
[Derek] Stands up, wearing dirty sweatpants and t-shirt. Goes towards bathroom.
George: Ahem… Aren’t you forgetting SOMETHING…
Derek: No.
George: Your CLOTHES, numbskull. You can’t go to school like THAT.
Derek: And why can’t I?
George:
[Aside] Why? He asks me why!
[To Derek] Because you’d be the object of public ridicule, that’s why!Derek [Taking Clothes from drawer]: So? There’s nothing unusual about that.
Full text below the break. At some point I may put in some thoughts on repeated characters I used back then, and where this may have been going
Content warning: casual/gratuitous use of profanity
(Yes, I could edit out the f-bombs, but I’d like to remain true to my 14-year-old self no matter how idiotic I was back then.)
Dramatis Personae
[ In order of appearance ]
Derek Nissen
George
Derek’s Mother
Derek’s Father
Chobo Barnes
Mike Gravitts
Eric Dinerman
Male Students (3+)
Julia Smith
Female Students (3+)
Lisa Dinerman
Dr. Smedley Porretts, Teacher of History
Act I
Scene 1
Alarm clock goes off. Lights on slowly. Derek is asleep in bed. George is standing by.
George [Shaking Derek to Wake him]:
Wake up, man! Wake up!
Derek moans.
George:
You’re late you idiot, get up.
Derek [Sitting Up]:
Sure.. Ok… Whatever…
Stands up, wearing dirty sweatpants and t-shirt. Goes towards bathroom.
George:
Ahem… Aren’t you forgetting SOMETHING…
Derek:
No.
George:
Your CLOTHES, numbskull. You can’t go to school like THAT.
Derek:
And why can’t I?
George:
[Aside] Why? He asks me why!
[To Derek] Because you’d be the object of public ridicule, that’s why!
Derek [Taking Clothes from drawer]:
So? There’s nothing unusual about that.
Start towards bathroom again.
Mother [From Offstage]:
Derek, dear, are you up yet?
Derek [As exitting]:
Yes, mother. I’ll be down for breakfast after I’m dressed.
Derek exits.
George:
What he says is true. Whatever will I do about that boy?
Lights fade out.
Scene 2
Mother, Father, and Derek are sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast [eggs]. George is walking around behind them. He is behind the Mother at start of scene.
Mother:
So, dear, how are you doing on that history paper?
Derek:
Fine, mom, fine. I already have four sources.
George [Hands Behind Back]:
[Aside] He’s lying. He’s only got one.
Father:
Derek, the teacher said that you needed ten, and the bibliography is due tomorrow. You should be doing better than that!
Derek:
Sure, Dad, sure.
George looks over at the clock. So does Derek.
George:
Derek! It’s seven thirty-five!
Derek:
Sorry mom’n’dad, gotta run. I’m late.
Derek grabs bookbag and coat and runs out of room. George calmly marches out behind him.
Father:
What’s gotten into him lately? Bad grades, carelessness, his appearance has fallen apart. I’m worried about him.
Mother:
It’s probably just one of those phases. He’ll grow out of it.
Father:
Amanda, I hope you’re right.
Lights fade out.
Scene 3
The location is a hallway at the school. Chobo Barnes is there, sitting, and eating a candy bar. He is a jovial, just slightly pudgy youth. So is Mike Gravitts, who is speaking with Derek. Eric Dinerman is also present, speaking with male students slightly down the hall from Chobo, Derek, and Mike. Across hall Julia Smith is speaking with female students, chatting and giggling. George is up and about.
Derek:
Anyway Mike, howdya think about the new ‘Miga 5-k.
Mike:
Pretty neat, I gue–
Chobo: [Tapping Derek on the shoulder]
You got Paradroid copied yet for me?
Derek: [ Removing disk from bookbag ]
There you go. [ Hands disk to Chobo. ]
Paradroid, just like you asked. Also dropped 1943 on side 2.
Chobo:
Thanks man? You want six-eighty-eight sub? Cuz I just got it from Linten.
Mike: [To Derek]
What’s the english H-w?
Derek: [To Mike]
Number 17, Page 154
[To Chobo] Could I have some of those M&Ms?
Chobo:
Sure. [Chobo gives Derek some M&Ms]
George:
You shouldn’t be eating those! You’ll get fat! Like Chobo!
Derek:
[To George] Shut the fuck up. Haven’t you noticed that Chobo is happier than I am most of the time?
[To Chobo] Thanks. [Eats M&Ms]
Derek starts to work on his homework. Some time passes. Accent on other people conversing.
Derek:
Mike, what’s the answer to five-twenty-two eighteen?
Lisa enters while mike is talking. Talks to Eric quickly and starts along hall.
Mike:
The answer is fifty-three meters.
Derek:
Really? [Starts to pass notebook to Mike] So where’d I go?
His jaw drops as he notices Lisa passing through. Stares at her as she exits.
Mike:
Close the jaw man, before your tongue crawls out of your face.
Derek:
Huh? What? Oh ? Sorry.
Mike:
At any rate, your math is ok. You just solved for X as the path of steel. Just convert X for the cement and your final answer will be correct.
Derek:
[To Mike] Thanks a lot.
[Enter Mr. Porret] Hey! Smedley’s here.
Porret:
Yes! ‘Tis I, Smedley Porret ? Teacher of world history!
ALL EXCEPT GEORGE AND DEREK:
Hello Mr. Porret.
Porret:
Hello to you all my good students! and to my less good ones as well. How are you all today?
ALL AS ABOVE:
We’re fine Mr. Porret. And you Mr. Porret?
Porret:
I am in tip-top shape and happy; for what teacher would not be glad of heart with students as gracious and wonderful as you are! At least, MOST of you are.
And now to class!
Unlocks door. All enter classroom.
Scene 4
The setting is classroom 318. Lights come on rapidly. Mr. Porret goes to front of the room, sets briefcase down on desk, removes notes. Students shuffle into room, take seats and remove notebooks. Michael Gravitts is next to Derek. They are both towards the rear of the Eric Dinerman and Chobo Barnes are towards the front on opposite sides. George is standing sort of in front of Derek’s desk.
Porret:
Today I have a most wonderful and interesting topic for us to dicuss and it is… [Writes on Blackboard: THE SPANISH ARMADA] The Spanish Armada of 1588.
All [Except derek and George]:
Yes, Mr. Porret.
All students except Derek write in notebook. Derek starts to doodle.
Porret:
Now as you all should know well from yesterday’s homework, that King Phillip the second…
George: [Shaking Derek]
Yo! Derek! Stop spacing out!
Porret:
… of Spain created a gargantuanly humunguos fleet to conquer england…
Derek: [To George]
Fuckoff, George. You Don’t Exist.
Porret:
But, my young friend, he needed a reason to undertake so massive a venture! Can any of you tell me one of them?
George:
I don’t have to take this from you. [Exit George]
Over the course of the next couple of line, the stage lights should fade until the class is barely visible, simultaneusly, a spotlight should rise on Derek. As lights fall so should volume of actors [as Derek’s attention fades].
Girl Raises Her hand. Porret points to her.
Girl:
Phillip wished to conquer England because england was a major sponsor of protestantism in the netherlands.
Porret:
Good, but what other reasons did he have? Were there not other economic or social reasons? Mr. Barnes, can you state one of these?
Chobo’s response is lost because Derek has become oblivious to the outside world. Curtain.
End Of Act I